He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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