This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
