She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
