you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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