Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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