she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
