So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
