Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize