I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Not as such, no.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
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based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.