I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
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The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
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He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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