Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."