Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
