love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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