ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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