My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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