Me. At least after what I've been through.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
