So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
