if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
