A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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