I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
