I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
