i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
