This house was built for laser tag.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
