You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
