ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
