Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
