I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
