No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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