sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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