I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
