I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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