The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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