2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
