$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Your cock deserves a montage
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
