you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
