I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
