What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
