I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
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I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
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She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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