just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
