I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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