No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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