What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
