Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
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