see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
