They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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