My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
