I can tuck mytits in my pants
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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