i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional