Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
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Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.