I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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