just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
