Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I still have a little drunk in my system
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
