Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
