i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
