Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
