From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
