Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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