Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
