If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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