I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
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Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
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He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.