Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
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When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".