I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
