When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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