my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
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I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
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I woke up naked with my work shoes on
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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