beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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