I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
